Feelings, So Deep in my Feelings
Can we stop trying to “Get Over” stuff and get THROUGH it instead?
I am so tired of acting like shit doesn’t bother me when it does. It hurts to hold on to it, gotta let it go.
We are in this society of having no feelings, you know, like the “catch flights, not feelings” stuff we see on social media? What is all that?
Well that used to be me. I didn’t heal from stuff, I just kept it moving. I would write it off and act as if the problem, feeling, or person didn’t exist. I could love you but see you in Walmart and walk past as if I never knew you. I could go months and years without speaking to you again, even if I thought about you every day. I had a hard time showing emotion or being vulnerable. I felt that if I didn’t show emotion or vulnerability, then I was exempt from being hurt. WRONG! I just pushed those feelings down and kept moving throughout life. I stayed busy. There was always work, or school, social life, kids, sleep, exercise, eating, sleeping again, eating again, scrolling social media, gossiping about people and their business, etc. It was much easier to do those things than to feel my feelings. Eww, gross. The thought of telling someone they hurt me or that I was sad, made me want to gag!! How weak?! My favorite saying was “I’m a thug! I don’t cry.” Whew, I have come a long way.
Your body can only take so much pain ya know? We start to become numb after a while. You know what happens when we are numb to our feelings? We begin to be numb to the feelings of others, and then what? We start to hurt others and project that hurt and pain onto them. I have done that, not purposely, but because I couldn’t handle my own pain. I subconsciously began to give some pain away to others. You know the saying “hurt people, hurt people,” yeah that. That’s what happens. When a container reaches its full capacity, the substance inside spills over. So yeah, when the body can’t handle any more emotion, (yes, emotions are stored in the body) then the emotions begin to spill out in other ways. Some people drink, some smoke, some people gamble, some people have lots of sex with lots of people, some people eat a whole lot, some people sleep a lot, some people gossip all day, some people give mean stares, some people beat their kids or partner, yeah- all that stuff. It’s all repressed and stored emotions that the body can’t handle. Our subconscious can only store so much info. Everything has its limit.
I realized that I’d had enough one day. I was tired of being “hard” and tired of acting like I was fine when I wasn’t. One day my body reached its capacity. I was headed to work one day and for the life of me, I could not stop crying. I had to pull over to the side of the road and let it all out. I had to email my job and say I’d be late because I just could not pull it together. I sat there and cried until I felt better. I wiped my face, went into my office, shut the door and wrote. I was tired of holding in things I wanted to say. I was tired of acting like people didn’t hurt me when they did, and then went on with their merry lives. I was tired of wearing all these hats and making it look easy. I want to fall apart. I want to make a mistake; I want to look like what I’ve been through! Truth is I’m tired! Seriously!
It felt so good to release those emotions man! I had been holding back years’ worth of stuff. I was tired of people saying I’m superwoman and they don’t know how I handle all these hats. Shit me either!!!! I do it by moving constantly and staying busy. I knew the minute I slowed down, I’d cry and feel stuff.
So, I started giving myself time and permission to feel. I had to schedule time to deal with my shit because I didn’t want my kids to think not having emotions was okay. I didn’t want to keep hurting friends or lovers because I was harboring old pain and taking it out on them. I didn’t want to keep cutting people off with no explanation. I wanted to have deep, uncomfortable conversations about how you hurt me and how it made me feel rejected and unseen. I wanted to be comfortable telling people their actions or words triggered my feelings of not being good enough or my abandonment wounds from my childhood. How many relationships and friendships could be saved if we’d all just open up and not fear looking weak? Hurting people isn’t strong or a sign of strength. Neither is cutting someone off without an explanation. We love to say “they know what they did!” They might, but maybe that wasn’t their intention, to hurt you. We must give grace at times, and I mean at times – (don’t continue to let someone disrespect you, gaslight you or dismiss your feelings. If they can’t be accountable or return vulnerability, might have to let it go). Also, don’t give grace when your safety is at risk).
Anyway, I chose to feel on days I didn’t have my kids. Days where I didn’t have plans, so I wasn’t bringing my heavy energy around others. My healing days usually look like me listening to or playing my sound bowls or high frequency music while journaling or sitting still. Jhene Aiko uses sound bowls and different frequencies in her music so that works too. I like to go by water, by way of a pond or a waterfall in the city (Sharon Woods has an amazing waterfall). I like to eat light, mostly fruits and veggies and drink tea that day. Food is my weakness and I’m trying to stop using food as a coping mechanism for my feelings (don’t we always want something sweet to make us feel better? See, food can be a bad coping skill if not done in moderation). I might listen to some songs that I know will make me cry (I’ll add my list at the bottom). I like to journal any thoughts or emotions that come up. I do yoga. I write down affirmations to lift my mood and raise my vibrations after feeling sad. I like to smell. Aromatherapy helps me a lot. I light candles, incense, sage, frankincense, hell anything that burns and smells good! I like to sit in silence, no TV and barely any social media on those days. I keep conversations to a minimum so I can really focus on me and my emotions. It must be a very planned and intentional day for me. I like to read also, that helps me as well. Sometimes, I like to dance to some good music, naked or in skimpy clothes – let me live yal! Lol. I just like to feel free and be ME. They say dance like no one is watching, right?
Doing this regularly, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly really helps me to stay balanced. I am giving myself time to release things that no longer serve my highest good. It helps me to be slow to react to things day to day. I used to have a short fuse and temper. A lot of things triggered me and ticked me off. I would cuss someone out for cutting me off in traffic or looking at me funny, knowing I’m salty about my dude (at the time) liking a female’s picture on IG, haha. We love to project, don’t we? Now, I am much more peaceful and calm because I am releasing on the regular. I am not holding on to things for too long. Now don’t get me wrong, I am still triggered by people and things because I still have healing to do, we are never truly healed or “over” something. We just find ways to get through them. I now can communicate and say what hurt me. I can reach out to people and have heart to heart conversations. It is a journey, but to get to my higher self, I know I have to suspend my ego and release the negative emotions that keep me low vibrational. I don’t want to keep going low. I don’t want to be bitter, angry or resentful. It’s too heavy for me. So, here’s to healing and raising vibrations. Here’s to crying, ugly snot nose crying! Here’s to being “in my feelings” even if I am catching flights. Here’s to saying “hey, that hurt me. It triggered my insecurity around ______, when you did that.” It’s a practice. It won’t be easy. You must keep working at it until it is no longer uncomfortable to do. Also, say no. Don’t explain. Have boundaries. Feel and have boundaries. Love & Light Now, lets feel and heal!
Playlist Let It Flow – Toni Braxton
Breakeven – The Script
Balance – Brandon Banks
Alright – Ledisi
Woman’s Worth – Maxwell
Ascension – Jhene Aiko
Getaway – Monica
Closer – Goapele
I Am Light – India Arie
Untamed – Glennon Doyle
Codependent No More – Melody Beattle
Please – Black Girl Bliss
Trust – Iyanla Vanzant